pour toi.

its true that humans in their being human attach meanings to their surrounding. making the environment their world. and that is unlike other species.

i really dont want to cite philo... still have that philo paper for tomorrow argh...

i cant believe its actually coming to this. how can you look me in the eye and not see the me you've known... you've probably didnt see me as a friend. i was different. and now, you chose to diss me. and i have to figure this out all by myself. if this is what you want me to feel then i congratulate you for succeeding. i try not to notice the way you look at me now. the look of loathing and disinterestedness. how different were you last month even...maybe leopards do change their spots overnight. its too bad i learned to rely on you...friend. and i say that with spite.

every day i want all but to see you. don't look at me like that. don't look at me as if you don't know me. make me pretend to not care. make me stop believing in this.

nagagalit, naiinis, nanghihinayang, naasar, nalulungkot. hindi kita maintindihan. pero ayoko nang intindihin pa. let's go back to the original position. when you were still you, and i was me without you.

Bakasyon Grande!

Weee 5 day weekend nanaman! hehe. Ang saya yet sana may pasok nalang. Naiinis ako kasi bukas pala ang library kanina at hindi ko alam. Sana nakapagresearch pa ako. Haay. Sobrang kakabagot sa bahay namin, the drive to study diminishes whenever I see (haha) food, the bed, the ps2 and the opportunity to go to the mall. It's like summer all over again.

Before you were just in my environment. unnoticed. insignificant. But now you're in my world. you have meaning. I begin to see you. And this is not right. not right at all...

Back to school

Yey finally nakapagnet din ako!


1.) finally got my laptop fixed (though i still lack a spare battery and an adaptor)
2.) buying several books for my classes(histo, IR etc...) I don't like Co, don't like her at all. Pahirap ang mga readings. I like my histo prof! (can you say Noli Me Tangere??? KNOWLY Me Tangere!!!)
3.) still suffering from musculo-skeletal strain AKA stiff neck! hehehe.
4.) got word from the inTACT people, will still have to sign up for the interiew. (cross fingers)
5.) is currently on a "hunger strike". I've been on series of these lately. I try sooo hard....I really do. =(


Anyway, not so much of an update. Medyo wala pang ginagawa (or ako lang yun?) hehe.


Why didnt I get AMBETH OCAMPO!!!?!?!?!? My crush takes him together with ONEL! darn! NAUUBUSAN NA AKO NG CORE SUBJECTS!!! NOOOO!!!!

Hahaha. Sad, happy, deppressed, ecstatic. Who can tell the difference?

Stwess...

Get free graphics at BlingyBlob.com!


I've been taking driving lessons these past few days.Ang hirap pala! Thankfully I'll still be staying at ISO next sem, ayokong magdrive papuntang school noh! NOOO! hehe. Anyway, last thursday was HELL. Well the new instructor was HELL He kept making me feel like such a lousy driver. Nakakainis lang kasi kaya nga ako nandoon para matuto tapos hahayaan niya lang ako and mock me when I'm doing wrong. Literally I wanted to jump out of the car and leave him there ...but I stayed until the very last dreadful minute of it. Later I knew that he was there (in the office) because someone had complained about him. What a jerk! He should not be there in the first place. I personally think he shouldnt be teaching in the first place. With an attitude like that, nobody would actually listen to him.

Bloggerific!

Hahaha. That was a lame title. sorry. Anyway, cool new design. Yey.

I envy those who know how to make 'em.

Hu Hu hu

Summer is soooo boring. sunkissed*

Failure day

Argh...I didnt make it to the cut. (of the new Lexecom officers) I feel soooooo bummed out. (Sana I make it sa second choice...pls pls pls.)

HAAAY... so I am officially in the pit of depression because of this stupid stupid failed attempt to make it to the list of officers.

I have the right to feel bad right?...

Argh. Think Zen.
Inner Peace.

Why do I have this horrible feeling???????
WAAAAHHHHH
I need chocolate.

Uncolored Crayon

Okay. So today turns out to be a reflective day for me. But before that, day's events muna:

My day started early, I woke up at 4 and went to school for the (are you ready for this?) tap dance performance in SKIRTS. (yea, i wore a skirt today) FYI it's been what 2 years since I've done that, and today is really a breakthrough day. haha. We were to dance 4 dances. 1 for the girls, then the guys than by partners and finally the "tapdance at breakneck speed" routine. I was lousy at the 1st dance (augh...makes me sick just thinking about the horror that has just occurred) but nevertheless, we pulled through it. (Thank you Lord) I'm just glad its over. Sadly, we still have two meetings of tapdance left, and I'm not sure if I can survive another *tap*.

Anyway, as I've said this is a breakthrough day for me. hehe. This is one of those days (well my first anyway) to actually come to realize what is wrong with me.

Matagal ko nang pinagiisipan ito. Marami narin akong teorya na naisip to explain the reason behind my behavior towards my friends. Sabi nila I'm friendly daw...I don't disagree with that, I love making friends...but somehow I don't get to keep them very long. Or as close as I would like them to be.

Case No. 1:

I lost a friend two months ago. actually it was more than a friendship, it was a relationship that goes a long way back. To make the long story short, it was my fault. I was too absorbed in my world, I took that person for granted, I wasnt the caring, thoughtful, sensitive type and to top it all off, I forgot to greet that person for that person's special day. I kept making excuses for it, saying I wasnt able to greet that person because wala akong number niya. Pero kahit saan ko pa tignan, kasalanan ko. Irreversible mistake which I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

Case No. 2:

I found a friend, someone who shares the same interests in me. I enjoy having great conversations, and this particular person made it happen. I was laughing, smiling and just plain happy when we're together. Siya ay isang "intellectual buddy", willing to accept me for what I am, and all my flaws. But somehow, it wasnt meant to last. I wanted our friendship to grow and age in time but now, its not happening. Emotions got in the way. Things will never be the same. We werent on the same plane. Nasa lugar siya na hindi ko kaya puntahan, hindi ko kayang sabayan. at kung bababa siya sa lugar ko, masasaktan siya hanggang kainin na siya ng kanyang kalungkutan. The only way out...is out.

Case No. 3:

I've always had the feeling that I did not really belong. Yung parang kasama ako, pero hindi. I knew I was different, but did not let that bother me until now. Imagine having a box of crayons, each of which corresponds to a particular friend. Isang tinatakbuhan about lovelife, isang masaya kasama, pero lahat sila'y ginagamit mo at one point. Sa kahon na yon, ako yung extrang crayon. Isang crayon na walang kulay ngunit may potential na maging kahit anung kulay. Somehow I can be all the colors, but in reality I am nothing. Ganon ako sa buhay ng ibang tao. I am the extra friend kapag may nawawalang isang crayon. Pero I'm not included when they color the picture of their life.

Just recently, there was an event that occurred in the block. Part of me is grateful that I wasnt involved but at the same time, also wanted to be involved. Clash of emotions nanaman. I wish I had known something, or anything ... just even a small bit. I wish they'd go to me for help, they'd include me...treat me like I have color...that I am important. But still I remain to be the extra crayon. the meantime friend. the unused...undiscovered.

But you know, I do not want to feel "kawawa" (ang conio sorry). As I've said, breakthrough day nga ito. I've discovered things about myself, that make me act this way and ultimately suffer this way too.

Stoic, insensitive, unemotional...hindi thoughtful, hindi career sa friendship...Ako lahat yun.

I don't exert much effort on it...kaya I don't get much din.I still don't know if I can make a turnaround. If I can make myself belong.

For now I only have these words for you (Case No. 1)

I cant even begin to describe how sorry I am. I dont deserve your forgiveness or your friendship for that matter. I have been the "antifriend". Im sorry I did not exert effort into our friendship, Im sorry I took you for granted, and was unsuccessful in making you feel important in my life. Ultimately I'm sorry...I'm sorry for being the worst best friend ever. I've lost you now. and it's all my fault.