Uncolored Crayon

Okay. So today turns out to be a reflective day for me. But before that, day's events muna:

My day started early, I woke up at 4 and went to school for the (are you ready for this?) tap dance performance in SKIRTS. (yea, i wore a skirt today) FYI it's been what 2 years since I've done that, and today is really a breakthrough day. haha. We were to dance 4 dances. 1 for the girls, then the guys than by partners and finally the "tapdance at breakneck speed" routine. I was lousy at the 1st dance (augh...makes me sick just thinking about the horror that has just occurred) but nevertheless, we pulled through it. (Thank you Lord) I'm just glad its over. Sadly, we still have two meetings of tapdance left, and I'm not sure if I can survive another *tap*.

Anyway, as I've said this is a breakthrough day for me. hehe. This is one of those days (well my first anyway) to actually come to realize what is wrong with me.

Matagal ko nang pinagiisipan ito. Marami narin akong teorya na naisip to explain the reason behind my behavior towards my friends. Sabi nila I'm friendly daw...I don't disagree with that, I love making friends...but somehow I don't get to keep them very long. Or as close as I would like them to be.

Case No. 1:

I lost a friend two months ago. actually it was more than a friendship, it was a relationship that goes a long way back. To make the long story short, it was my fault. I was too absorbed in my world, I took that person for granted, I wasnt the caring, thoughtful, sensitive type and to top it all off, I forgot to greet that person for that person's special day. I kept making excuses for it, saying I wasnt able to greet that person because wala akong number niya. Pero kahit saan ko pa tignan, kasalanan ko. Irreversible mistake which I would have to live with for the rest of my life.

Case No. 2:

I found a friend, someone who shares the same interests in me. I enjoy having great conversations, and this particular person made it happen. I was laughing, smiling and just plain happy when we're together. Siya ay isang "intellectual buddy", willing to accept me for what I am, and all my flaws. But somehow, it wasnt meant to last. I wanted our friendship to grow and age in time but now, its not happening. Emotions got in the way. Things will never be the same. We werent on the same plane. Nasa lugar siya na hindi ko kaya puntahan, hindi ko kayang sabayan. at kung bababa siya sa lugar ko, masasaktan siya hanggang kainin na siya ng kanyang kalungkutan. The only way out...is out.

Case No. 3:

I've always had the feeling that I did not really belong. Yung parang kasama ako, pero hindi. I knew I was different, but did not let that bother me until now. Imagine having a box of crayons, each of which corresponds to a particular friend. Isang tinatakbuhan about lovelife, isang masaya kasama, pero lahat sila'y ginagamit mo at one point. Sa kahon na yon, ako yung extrang crayon. Isang crayon na walang kulay ngunit may potential na maging kahit anung kulay. Somehow I can be all the colors, but in reality I am nothing. Ganon ako sa buhay ng ibang tao. I am the extra friend kapag may nawawalang isang crayon. Pero I'm not included when they color the picture of their life.

Just recently, there was an event that occurred in the block. Part of me is grateful that I wasnt involved but at the same time, also wanted to be involved. Clash of emotions nanaman. I wish I had known something, or anything ... just even a small bit. I wish they'd go to me for help, they'd include me...treat me like I have color...that I am important. But still I remain to be the extra crayon. the meantime friend. the unused...undiscovered.

But you know, I do not want to feel "kawawa" (ang conio sorry). As I've said, breakthrough day nga ito. I've discovered things about myself, that make me act this way and ultimately suffer this way too.

Stoic, insensitive, unemotional...hindi thoughtful, hindi career sa friendship...Ako lahat yun.

I don't exert much effort on it...kaya I don't get much din.I still don't know if I can make a turnaround. If I can make myself belong.

For now I only have these words for you (Case No. 1)

I cant even begin to describe how sorry I am. I dont deserve your forgiveness or your friendship for that matter. I have been the "antifriend". Im sorry I did not exert effort into our friendship, Im sorry I took you for granted, and was unsuccessful in making you feel important in my life. Ultimately I'm sorry...I'm sorry for being the worst best friend ever. I've lost you now. and it's all my fault.