reluctant indulgence

soft, warm
selfless
security
love

No, stop
don't go
Think, don't
Listen to yourself

Do you give in?
No, i can't. I musn't
Halt, go back
in being what you really are

I need
I feel
I want
But no.

Just for
some seconds
more, stay.
Stay.

Close them,
your eyes so
you may not
see but feel

this.

I need
I feel
I want
I can't.

At ikaw Jamie, Kumusta ka?

Making a self-portait of yourself (basically out of clay) was really hard, given that I realized how little I knew about myself and how scared I am to see the real me. It was an unnerving task, actually staring at the clay pretending to be the molder of my self image. What am I? or more importantly, who am I? A perennial question that has haunted all of us from who knows when. How do you see yourself? There are only three options, either you're so full of yourself that you would actually make your clay mold pretty because you know and feel like that, or would tend to use a symbol to personify the shy and timid self. the inaggressive and inassertive. and of course there are others would simply leave the clay like that (a box of resilient matter) giving the meaning that they are as moldable (if there's such a word) and flexible as the clay. The come what may people, truly versatile in extreme occasions. i could not really pinpoint which of the three, I belong. I'd like to think that I'm as strong as I imagine myself to be. Solid, rigid and with a determined mind. However, there are times when I crash and collapse, especially when it comes to the matters of the heart (which I will not furthur discuss). And I fail to escape the wrath of strong emotions. So what do you do when you're beyond the clay? When you have no concrete concept of yourself and is uncapable of making self-image? Do what I did, make clay vegetables like carrots and eggplants. =)


--->I see myself as a roll of tissue paper, softy but also a toughie.

pampagulo ng aking isipan.

noo'y kontento na ako sa buhay na hindi pangkaraniwan lalo na't sa aking mga kaibigan. akala ko'y sila lang nakakakita noon at lagi kong pinabubulaanan ang kanilang mga sinasabi. pero dumating ka, at saka ko nalaman na tama pala sila. hindi pala tama itong ginagawa niya sa akin. hindi ako masaya, hindi ganito ang tama para sa akin. ipinakita mo sa akin kung paano magpahalaga, mag-alaga at siguro paano magmahal. naramdaman ko kung paano maging mahalaga uli, kung ano ang saya pag magkasama tayo. totoo nga, chivalry is not dead. utang ko sayo itong saya ko ngayon sa gitna ng malaking pagsubok. utang ko ang mga ngiting lumalapat sa aking mga bibig pagkatapos ng mga luha. utang ko ang aking katinuan ng isip sa gitna ng mga kabaliwan sa mundo ko. u make my world sane, and i cant thank you enough for that. hindi ko nga lang kayang ibalik sayo lahat...at sana mapatawad mo ako sa oras na malaman mo.

Sauntering the crevice of a truth called love.

I used to believe I could actually pull this off. I mean, believing in that dream that your first will be your last, I was somewhat confident in myself. I tried. I toiled. I did everything. I dreaded the day when I'll say I failed. I failed you and myself. Part of me wants to blame you, you who was never around when I needed you. You who was always out there living your life without me and I living my life for you. It's pathetic if you look at it. Why did I even want to change for you? I was even ready to do everything just to make this work. I was blinded with my own illusion of love. The love I knew you had for me but was never expressed. Your love that I never felt. And I make myself think that you do have love for me...I had to make myself believe and be fooled. And yet I can't still look you in the eye and say its over, eventhough I feel it is. Your words sound colder everyday. We barely talk...and if we do, our words dont really say anything.

I'm afraid to lose you, but somehow, deep down in my heart I think I already have.