reluctant indulgence

soft, warm
selfless
security
love

No, stop
don't go
Think, don't
Listen to yourself

Do you give in?
No, i can't. I musn't
Halt, go back
in being what you really are

I need
I feel
I want
But no.

Just for
some seconds
more, stay.
Stay.

Close them,
your eyes so
you may not
see but feel

this.

I need
I feel
I want
I can't.

At ikaw Jamie, Kumusta ka?

Making a self-portait of yourself (basically out of clay) was really hard, given that I realized how little I knew about myself and how scared I am to see the real me. It was an unnerving task, actually staring at the clay pretending to be the molder of my self image. What am I? or more importantly, who am I? A perennial question that has haunted all of us from who knows when. How do you see yourself? There are only three options, either you're so full of yourself that you would actually make your clay mold pretty because you know and feel like that, or would tend to use a symbol to personify the shy and timid self. the inaggressive and inassertive. and of course there are others would simply leave the clay like that (a box of resilient matter) giving the meaning that they are as moldable (if there's such a word) and flexible as the clay. The come what may people, truly versatile in extreme occasions. i could not really pinpoint which of the three, I belong. I'd like to think that I'm as strong as I imagine myself to be. Solid, rigid and with a determined mind. However, there are times when I crash and collapse, especially when it comes to the matters of the heart (which I will not furthur discuss). And I fail to escape the wrath of strong emotions. So what do you do when you're beyond the clay? When you have no concrete concept of yourself and is uncapable of making self-image? Do what I did, make clay vegetables like carrots and eggplants. =)


--->I see myself as a roll of tissue paper, softy but also a toughie.

pampagulo ng aking isipan.

noo'y kontento na ako sa buhay na hindi pangkaraniwan lalo na't sa aking mga kaibigan. akala ko'y sila lang nakakakita noon at lagi kong pinabubulaanan ang kanilang mga sinasabi. pero dumating ka, at saka ko nalaman na tama pala sila. hindi pala tama itong ginagawa niya sa akin. hindi ako masaya, hindi ganito ang tama para sa akin. ipinakita mo sa akin kung paano magpahalaga, mag-alaga at siguro paano magmahal. naramdaman ko kung paano maging mahalaga uli, kung ano ang saya pag magkasama tayo. totoo nga, chivalry is not dead. utang ko sayo itong saya ko ngayon sa gitna ng malaking pagsubok. utang ko ang mga ngiting lumalapat sa aking mga bibig pagkatapos ng mga luha. utang ko ang aking katinuan ng isip sa gitna ng mga kabaliwan sa mundo ko. u make my world sane, and i cant thank you enough for that. hindi ko nga lang kayang ibalik sayo lahat...at sana mapatawad mo ako sa oras na malaman mo.

Sauntering the crevice of a truth called love.

I used to believe I could actually pull this off. I mean, believing in that dream that your first will be your last, I was somewhat confident in myself. I tried. I toiled. I did everything. I dreaded the day when I'll say I failed. I failed you and myself. Part of me wants to blame you, you who was never around when I needed you. You who was always out there living your life without me and I living my life for you. It's pathetic if you look at it. Why did I even want to change for you? I was even ready to do everything just to make this work. I was blinded with my own illusion of love. The love I knew you had for me but was never expressed. Your love that I never felt. And I make myself think that you do have love for me...I had to make myself believe and be fooled. And yet I can't still look you in the eye and say its over, eventhough I feel it is. Your words sound colder everyday. We barely talk...and if we do, our words dont really say anything.

I'm afraid to lose you, but somehow, deep down in my heart I think I already have.

para sa yu'

i feel sad when i dont see you. i dont know why. i dont know why i keep on searching for you eventhough i dont exist in your world. i wake up everyday eager to see your face, even just a glimpse, a sight, a vision. your whole being just bedazzles me, in a way i've never experienced before. i treasure the days when i do see you, those fleeting seconds of your presence in my life. you've inspired me to be more, to be someone i was but lost. i wish we could meet and be friends. i wish to have that opportunity yet im scared at the same time.


haha.mushy mushy.

despite my headache...

aaahhh i feel like writing again despite the fact that my head is throbbing with inexplicable pain. inaantok na ako pero i figured lagi naman ako inaantok. my day was fine except muntik na kaming hindi makapagreport sa zoo (zuo hehe) knina dahil walang usb port ung compter sa classroom namin and napagsabhan pa ako ng prof ko na dapat inanticipate ko na daw un. anticipate? stone-age naman kasi ung computer noh! anyway, thank God nakapagreport parin kami. ang galing nga eh kasi sinipag akong gumawa ng report nung sunday kahit na hindi ko alam kung kelan kami magrereport. woo! blessing talaga. atleast hindi ako nagcram. i went to the chapel knina. naalala ko nung highschool i had a regular praying time (usually i pray sa skulbus). medyo nawala na ngaung habit na un since nagcollege ako. pero kanina i felt thati should do my praying time again. praying to God for me, is like talking to a friend. since madaldal naman ako na tao, ang dami ko nasasabi kay God. Ang saya nga eh...sobrang peaceful sa chapel. opposite from the hustle-bustle of the EDSa walk. i plan to do it again tomorrow...sana magising ako maaga. =)

never-ending palabok

nakatingin lang ako sa palabok fiesta na inorder ko...walang katapusan sa paghahalo...halo dito...lipat sa kabila...tangal ng mga unwanted elements...
knina ka pa nakatingin sa labas...walang imik...hindi man lamang ako tinitignan. nais ko kausapin ka...tanungin kung bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin, pero walang lumalabas sa bibig ko. tila ako isang pipi, un nga lang momentarily mute lang. habang nakatitig ako sa palabok, nais ko na sana'y buhay nalang ito...para atleast kausapin nya ako. "hi palabok! wats up with u?" nababaliw na ako...5 minuto na ang nakalipas...ni isang salita wala ka pang sinabi. ang bagal ng oras sa katahimikan. isa ba tong parusa? hindi ko alam. kung sabagay...palagi naman ganito. wala namang araw na nagkita tayo na walang moments of silence. hinihintay kitang magsalita...pls...pls...lagi nalang ako ang mauuna...bakit ganun...eto ang mga dahilan kung bakit ayaw na kitang makasama...ayoko na maranasan ang mga ganito. ayoko na magmukhang tanga nakatitig sa palabok wishing it was alive. bakit kung kelan matagal na tayong hindi nagkakasama, lagi pa tayong nagkakaganito...? alam kong hindi na makuwento...hindi madaldal. ako kasi yun eh. but im tired of being that already. ayoko na magsalita nang magsalita tapos ikaw wala ka naman kinukuwento sa akin. im a good listener naman. kaya nga tahimik nalang ako ngayon eh. hindi kita ginugulo. we're just two people who happened to sit together but dont really know each other. yeah that's wat we are. 3 rounds around sm without talking nanaman ang ginawa natin kanina. actually im kinda getting used to it. palakad lakad. mauuna ka. ako sumusunod lang werever u go. no conversations happening watsoever. minsan magsasalita pero kadalasan hindi. inaasahan mong ako lagi mauuna magkuwento...but i dont want to be that person anymore. get a clue! u be that person. hindi sa galit ako...gusto ko lang tumahimik para ikaw naman dba? nakakasawa rin kasi...nakakatamad na lagi nalang ako ang magkukuwento, ako magpapatawa, ako magsasabi kung san tayo pupunta, kung anu gagawin natin...
mabuti na siguro na minsan minsan lang tayo nagkikita, dahil if it were everyday like this...i'd really go insane.

virgin blogger...

i just copied the title off some other blog i saw...
actually i already made a blog, i just forgot the password-username stuff(doh! goes to show how much i want to have a blog...)
i figured, nobody's going to read this anyway...that's why ill be posting some serious stuff in here...joke.
why orange?...i like orange. (both the fruit and the color) weird daw ako coz i like the color orange and i tell them "hell yeah".noong una, i was thinking of making it into vegatable planet but orange sounded cooler.
NSTP namin kanina, we went to a public elem school to teach kids. personally, i like kids. panganay kasi ako kaya sanay na sa mga bata. kahit anung kulit pa ng mga yan i'll find a way to make them like me. (that sounded scary,anyway...) The experience was kinda cool, the only downside was we werent prepared for it. next week we have to bring flashcards and stuff for the kiddos.i got assigned to two girls, Elmarie and Hazelle. Hazelle was shy at first but warmed up after I talked to her. Elmarie was so full of stories. its so nice seeing and listening to kids. They know so little yet so much about this world. Another fun part of the experience was the recess. since i didnt bring any food with me, (doh!) I had to buy from the store. ang saya kasi may tinda sila nung Sunshine covered peas thingy...na paborito ko nung bata ako. i cant wait for next week to buy some more. may ice candy pa at cheese-it at richie at rinbee na tigpipiso. para akong bata ang dami dami dala pagkain. hehe.
i made a new friend too, his name is Gigo and AB Eng ang course nya. ang fun nga eh kasi FC kmi sa isa't isa. well, ganon naman talaga ako...minsan shy minsan kapalmuks. hehehe.
I know the name of MG already! after like 7 months of futile search. hehe. atleast now there's a name to the mystery guy dba? i really like his bag, nahihiya akong ifriend sya sa friendster at tanungin ang brand ng bag nya. mukha naman akong ewan nun. hindi ko alam kung gusto ko siyang makilala or just stay hidden. ill just admire him(and his bag) in silence. he also reminds me so much of Ryu. pareho pa cla ng stance.pati ung weird ewan look on his face. i have to admit that i was disappointed when i learned he wasnt jap. kala ko pa naman jap un. well minus pogi points un. hehe.
well so much for my 1st blog...till the next sudden urge of will to write.