new template yey!

aahhh finally ive changed my template. hehe.

pareho kasi kmi ng template ni ehem...but whatever

A Fish Tale

the water's a bit murky. I can't see a thing. I'm afraid to go to the other side, they said a big yellow monster is going to eat me if I went there. I can only hear the ominous bubbling of that contraption. I hate that sound. I hate the fact that it's accompanied by this eerie silence. I see less and less fish of my kind everyday. I no longer talk to them for I may not see them tomorrow. Just like my friend Bob. He was nice and helped me alot. Then one day, he was gone just like that. The fear within me is growing every minute. I haven't seen the monster but I think I will sooner or later.

this is what you get from staring at the aquarium for too long.

pacute uli...i love these smilies...

random cuteness

wee!

patrick starrpatrick starpatrick starpatrick starr

yeah! i still remember how...

never-ending palabok (the lost entry)

nakatingin nanaman ako sa palabok fiesta na inorder ko. walang imik ka nanaman. nakatingin sa labas...nag-iisip tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam. kanina ko pa hinahalo itong pagkain ko...mukhang napaglaruan na ng bata. nakahiwalay ang itlog at hipon at natira nalang ang noodles at sarsa. kung bakit mo ako hindi kinakausap ay hindi ko alam. 5 minuto na...kanina ko pa tinitignan ang oras sa celphone ko. ang bagal. nakakainip. gusto kong magsalita pero ayaw lumabas ng mga salita. para bang nawalan ako ng boses. parang tinatamad ang bunganga ko na bumuka. dapat ikaw ang mauna. dapat ikaw ang maunang magsabi ng "uy...anu nangyari sayo.." lagi ka namang tahimik eh. lagi kang walang pakialam. ayoko na maging madaldal. nais ko nalang din maging tulad mo. walang kuwento. walang imik. lumipas nanaman ang isang minuto kakahalo at kakatingin sa palabok ko. hindi ko nauubos...dahil sa totoo lang ay ayoko na. gusto ko kausapin ka. gusto kong malaman ang nasa isip mo, ang nasa saloobin mo. naririnig ko lamang ang aking boses na sumisigaw sa loob..."Kausapin mo ako!...kausapin mo ako..." hindi ko masabing kulang na ang mga panahon. bilang na ang mga ganitong pagkakataon. isa nanamang minuto ang nasayang...kapag nangyari ang mangyayari...nanaisin mong sana kinausap mo nalang ako. 3 beses nanamang tayong umikot sa mall nang walang ginagawa. ni hindi man lamang nag-uusap. basta't naglalakad lang. not minding the presence of each other. sa totoo lang ayoko na ng ganun. nakakatamad. nakakapagod. nakakarindi ang katahimikan lalo pa't matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap. may iilang pagsabi nang "uy.." pero walang ung masasabing may substance. minsa'y pinipilit ko nalang ang sarili ko na magkuwento ...na patawanin ka...pasalitain ka. nakakapagod dahil kailangan ko pang gawin iyon...tulad ng pag-ubos dito sa kakapirangot na palabok na naiwan sa plato ko.

I like this version better...

Here's Your Ticket!

During children’s preschool years, it has been a habit of adults to ask the kids what they would want to be when they grow up. Some would say they want to be doctors, other pilots or nurses. I, on the other, would beam and say “I want to be a bus conductor!”. Yes, the one who asks you where you want to go and gives you your ticket and your change. I have always been amazed at their “ticket bundle” which I would learn later in my life as tickets wound together by a rubber band to better facilitate their ticket giving. Oh, how I loved that “ticket bundle”, how I loved the way the bus conductor would flip it so fast, tear out pieces of tickets at random and gives you all sorts of numbered tickets in different colors too. In my obssession, I would collect the used tickets whenever we ride a bus. There were a lot of leftover tickes, some folded and inserted in various locations on the bus like the headrest or the windowpane. My mom would always keep her tickets so that she can give it to me whenever she comes home. Then I would arrange those tickets and pass them to people around the house. Another great thing about the bus conductor is the piece of rubber tied aroung their thumb. Without it, they would have to sometimes lick their thumb first before tearing off the tickets. I thought that the thumb rubber was an excellent idea, so that they wouldn’t have to lick their thumbs and still give out tickets at lightning speed. The thumb rubber came in different colors too, others wore a blue one while others have the green one. The next great thing about the bus conductors is their ability to compute quickly, I have always thought how good they were in math since they can add and subtract mentally. I on the other hand, still had to use pens and papers to do my preschool computations. This became the reason why I persevered in math during those years, I said to myself that I cant’ be a bus conductor if I have poor math skills. Weird enough, I thought that there was such a course as “bus conductoring” as opposed to the usuals like “nursing” or “medicine”. It had to be a Math course which involved fast mental solving and arithmetic prowess. My ultimate practice time for this dream of mine was during those times when all my uncles and aunts would sit in the big sofa in my lolo’s living room. I would go around and ask them “Good morning Sir/Mam, where do you want to go?”. Of course they would play along and pretend to hand me money in exchange for the tickets I kept with me. There were even times when they would hand me actual money and I would fold the bill and place it in between my fingers to furthur boost the experience. This was my dream, unfortunately when my preschool yearbook came out they changed my ambition from “conductor” to “doctor”.

It’s fun to talk about the things you did when you were a kid. I guess that’s the reason why I like to tell this story to new friends or relatives. Aside from that, it reveals something about me which I like to share with other people. I believe that I have a reason for wanting to be something apart from the cliché dream jobs like doctors and nurses. Ever since, I have been different and reluctant to follow the current trend of the people. It also shows that I am still a kid at heart, for this story of me being a kid, still shows who I am now. I am amazed by the ordinary things like ticket bundles and thumb rubbers. I like to observe these kinds of things even though they present a meager importance in our lives. Over time, I have altered the story one way or another but I try as much as possible to keep the story intact. I am not really sure if I thought there was such a course as “bus conductoring” or if the yearbook people did actually change my ambition (however, I never dreamt of being a doctor). Also, I have learned through telling my story that kids’ dreams are usually simple and innocent. However, as they grow, they would realize that our childhood dreams wouldn’t really cut it in the grownup world.

Paralyzed (Memoir for english)

"If Mang Juan has 3 chickens, 2 cows and 4 pigs, how many animals does he have in his farm?” Ms. Judith echoed through the microphone. After the question, she stated the multiple-choice answers. I added the numbers mentally and wrote down letter A which corresponded to 9 in my answer sheet. That medium category question was followed by another and then another; and I answered all of them correctly. After the contest I searched the crowd for my Nana (a term I use to refer to my grandmother for I think lola is too corny) and was surprised that she wasn’t there. My yaya was the one who took me home, and I rushed inside to tell Nana the good news. I called out for her name, searched all around the house and asked where she was. She wasn’t home yet and she didn’t come home that night. I waited another day to find out where she was. She was rushed to the hospital after falling from our dining chair. I asked why and what happened to her. My aunt told me she had a stroke, a sickness I was still unfamiliar with. Another day passed and Nana still hasn’t come home. As I walked with my aunt coming from the store, I asked her if I can visit Nana and see how she’s doing. She said I can’t because Nana stayed in the ICU where kids are not allowed. I found it funny, if she’s in the I can see her then why wasn’t I allowed? I didn’t get it at all. I was angry because I felt they just made up the rule so that I couldn’t see Nana. I waited for them to take pity on me and allow me to come to the hospital, but that didn’t happen. Nana didn’t come home for a long time. She did come home one day, but she wasn’t the same. My Nana who used to fetch me in school, make me breakfast, review me in all my lessons was now bedridden and paralyzed. She was in a wheelchair, her head was tilted and her eyes knew no one. She stared at me for so long, as if she remembers yet she seemed so far away. Her eyes knew no recognition, it expressed no misery as if she doesn’t know she’s home already. She spoke in a garbled voice saying words I couldn’t make out. She was like a baby except it made me scared. I felt fear and extreme misery at the same time. Where was my Nana? Where was my energetic, happy-go-lucky and loving Nana? What happened to her? I longed for her to come back, to be her old self again. But the days were followed by her tantrums and fits. I saw her frustration when she couldn’t tell us what she really means and if she doesn’t get what she wants. She mixed up everybody’s names except mine. She recalled me instantly after her brief moment of amnesia. I stayed with her throughout her therapies. She had numerous therapies for things like speech and muscle movement. I could always see her determination during those sessions and I knew that deep down inside her mind lies my Nana, the Nana I knew well and loved. She’ll be back and she’ll get well.

I was only 6 years old when this happened and yet I felt like twelve. My classmates knew nothing of what I was going through. My teachers would always ask me how my Nana is, and I could see in their faces the pity they had for her. They must’ve thought it was too much for me, it was but I got used to it as time went by. I went on with my studies without my Nana, I still won the academic contests but it wasn’t the same. No matter how much awards I amassed, it will not make her feel better. I did show them to her, thinking somehow it will help her get well. I wanted to make her feel that I was still there, her little Jamie eager to solve math problems, spell out words just to make her proud of me.
This experience helped me to be more mature in a way. Young kids have this idea that when you cry, you will usually get what you want. I didn’t. Even though I wanted to throw tantrums and cry so that Nana will get better, it wouldn’t help. Every time Nana would throw a fit, or shout really loud I would get scared. Scared that it will worsen her condition. I learned to understand her during her times of desperation albeit I was still 7 or 8 years old. There were times when I would play in the streets with my neighbors and Nana would get tantrums again that all the neighbors will hear, I would go back to the house and attend to her. I felt unconditional love so strongly at a very young age. I knew the value of my elders, the concept of repaying their love for me with my love for them.
Because I was the eldest granddaughter, I was the one who explained to my cousins as to why Nana acted like that. It was hard for I didn’t also know why. Whenever Nana would yell at us, it made my cousins cry but I, inspite of my tears, would still smile and give her high-blood medicine. Then I would turn to my cousins and tell them not to get angry at Nana instead try to understand her condition. They would say it’s unfair but I would always respond saying…

“Ganyan talaga, may sakit si Nana eh. Hindi niya alam kung ano ginagawa niya. Huwag kayong magagalit sa kanya.”

I honestly despise people who take their grandmothers or grandfathers for granted. I hate it when people just place their elders in shelters and not mind them at all. If they only knew how hurt I was when Nana got sick and how much I want her to get better so that we can play again. I was never ashamed whenever I would accompany Nana for a walk around the streets. I didn’t mind if she was slow or if people would look at us.
I knew I had to be strong for myself, Nana and others. I must do everything in my power to handle the situation responsibly. It also taught me to rely everything to God. He has never faltered and was always there for my Nana and me. I am thankful that Nana is still around, although she never recovered one hundred percent, she is now able to walk and speak. She has taught me so much, not just for my math contest but also for living my life as well. I never regretted being there for her in her times of trouble and when she most needed me.

Sometimes I would think I am still that Grade one student coming home to show her 1st place medal to her grandmother. I would imagine Nana carrying me up her arms and saying I’m so good. Sometimes I wish she didn’t get sick that day. But it all comes down to how much I love her. She has taught me so much even without speaking.

The Game of Love

Love is all about taking the risks.

Its all about taking chances, taking a chance at someone whom you're not really sure of. It's like jumping out a plane without a parachute and that's when you fall...hard.

It's believing in fate and leaving it all up to luck. It's walking and closing your eyes, praying that somehow your feet will know the way in this blind attempt at love.

It's giving everything up just so you can get what you think will make you happy in the end. And that is where the risk part comes in. Falling in love is hard, staying in it is harder.

Love is all about taking risks, making a pass at chances, grabbing every opportunity that comes your way...or is it?

I don't want to believe that love is a really a game. And as for risks, they can be calculated and managed well. The thing is finding out the right risks to take. Yes sometimes, the world isnt cut out the way we want it to be. And yes, sometimes we fall short of luck and we just have to give up something in order to get what we want. But not when you're already inlove and you would choose to go out of it.

The risk involved in loving is the one you would take to stay in love. Love truly begins when even though there are other people out there more perfect for you, you would chose to stay with the one you love now just because. Love isn't like buying a pair of shoes and eventually throwing it away because a new model came out. It's being satisfied with what you have, wearing your shoes because you have had many walks together and many ass-kicking too.


Love is not trading someone for someone better or new. Love is like a one-time big-time thing, carefully planned out in a spontaneous way. Love is not choosing person first and then making yourself fall for him. It's realizing that you're already inlove even before you know you're falling.


Love is not absolute. There are no bounds. There are (supposedly) no starting line and finish. You just continueloving on and on.

Everytime

I’m afraid I’m starting to feel
What I said I would not do
The last time really hurt me
I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to fall so fast
'cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
'cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time
One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get oh so confused

I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to fall so fast
’cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
’cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time
One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get oh so confused

I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to fall so fast
'cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
'cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time
One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get oh so confused

Every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
'cause every time I see your face
Could it be that this will be the one that lasts
The fear does start to erase every time
Oh could it be that this will be the one that lasts
For all my times
For all my times


This song has always been one of my favorites.
And now, it best illustrates how I feel.

Finally its over

Second sem is finally over. And so is a lot of things in my life.

Wednesday night was hell night for me. I had to drink some enrgy drink to keep me awake until 4am. Not to mention the Blue Roast happening within the vicinity of my dorm. (and also some event in Miriam). Just imagine trying to study while your body wishes to be somewhere else, say in the Bel field listening to Parokya jam.

Bettina already left that night, giving me the freedom to do everything I want. Well not everything. hehe. No night light for two days! Saya! I wasn't scared at all. (nde naman tlga ako takot sa dilim.)

One thing that sucks about college is that there is no farewell party. Narealize ko lang kahapon na tapos na ang klase at hindi ko na makikita ang mga blockmates ko for two months. Unless bumalik me dun sa summer. which I will naman.

Ayun lang, lazy two months ahead.

"We just have to say our love was true But has now become a lie So I’m tellin’ you I love you one last time And goodbye..."

I hope this will be the last lines I write for you.

Hecticity.

Too much stuff to do this week. (and also for the next week
1. A bunch of Filipino papers. (haven't started on any of them yet)
2. Monologue...(Social phobia anyone?)
3. Memoir...(Got an A in my mini memoir...kinda cool...oughta do this this weekend.)
4. Exemption in Zoo Finals. (not really an exception...the finals is optional if your grade is a D )
5. Lit play tomorrow. (Crying ladies bit, Props committee member: must finish stained glass effect this afternoon.)
6. Lit Finals on Wed. (have no idea how to review for this.)
7. Math Finals (Do or die situation yet again.)

Distraction is still the best way to cope with my situation. Just have to do anything just to get through the day.

I want to watch the Simple Plan concert on the 30th! waaaaahhhh...I have no money for it though.=(

I feel sleepy. (*yawn*) Why does my Fil prof always postpone appointments? We have our own lives too! =( I'm late for my date with my bed. ^_^

Pinakawalang kwentang entry ever!

Wow, sinisipag akong magblog this week ah. Too much emotions kasi. hehe. Anyway, i really have nothing meaningful to say.

Narration nalang ng day's events:

Our Zoo teacher is getting more and more irritating each meeting. Sorry pero nakakainis na sha pag minsan. Huwag na sana siyang nagbbutt-in noh! Konti na nga lang ang oras, todo butt-in pa sha. Halata na ang favoritism niya sa klase. "boy 1 this, boy1 that!" pero pag si Boy 2 ang nagtatanong, kulang nalang murahin niya si Boy2 at ang buong klase (except si Boy1) pero i don't blame boy 1 naman, sabi nga ng blockmate ko kasama na siya sa bandwagon ng mga naiinis sa prof namin. Thankfully malapit na matapos ang sem na ito!

Exempted ako sa pe finals! Unbelievable. Ang labo tlga...I was really expecting an F, pero k narin ung B. (F for Fantastic, B for Bad.)

Namove din ung Fil consultation sa Thurs. basically by 10 am knina wala na me klase. Lazy day,kaya lang bukas 2 longtests ko. Math and Zoo LAb. Gudluck nalang sa akin.

I'm worried about Amby. Sana I could do something to help him kaso I'm powerless. Prayers lang ang magagawa ko. Hay, I miss him too. Yuck mushy2 nanaman.

Finals na! Goodluck nlng tlga! hay hay hay. so much for my DL dreams.

-jam_36- hehehe. ^_^

Damn.

Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she looks
And where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to life than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

Vaine Promesse

I can still hear his voice. Parang hindi siya. It hurts me. Paulit-ulit. I hear it in my head. I try to shake it off pero it comes back. That freaky image comes back.

I want to cry. I want to get this pain off my chest so badly. but even though i listen to sad songs, my tear ducts still fail me. Have I been so cold-hearted already?

Siguro I will feel it later. I don't want to sleep...nor close my eyes in fear of seeing him. Ang hirap nang nasasaktan pero hindi ko malabas. hindi ko maiyak.

Ang labo noh? I don't get myself either.

Life begins on Monday

For those who are actually reading my blog (I can just name 4 including myself, you know who you are), I am deeply sorry for the grammatical errors I have made in my previous blogs. Forgive me, I hate editing. (=p)

Anyway! hehe. I can't say how anxious I am for this coming Sunday. Some call it my doomsday, others Independence Day but it is still for me a blank day. I honestly don't know what I am going to feel when it hits me (boom!). Worst comes to worse, finals week pa naman at baka hindi ako makapag-aral (sana hindi...I think naman I'll be okay.) I mean after Wednesday night, I went into a 20 min pit of utter devastation but after that I was back to my normal self. Weird. I do worry about sudden bouts of emotional pain (especially when I'm alone) that make me break down and well...you know the rest. Luckily, they only last for at most ten minutes. (It is still kinda long noh?)

Coldblooded16 thinks I'm becoming extremely pessimistic lately. Why of course not! I just choose not to hope anymore. Promises are just illusions of the things you wish would happen. You can't count on people, you can only count on yourself. Thankfully, Frozonel thinks I still can manage without professional help. Imagine me seeing a shrink! I'm not crazy! (waaaargh! put paper in mouth and jump out the window!) It's amazing how I can still manage to smile and laugh after all this. Weird talaga ako. wahay.

My life begins on Monday.