wahihwahsiha

several aspects of my life are falling apart now. haay... acads ko ay sobrang baba. hindi ko inisip na ganito kahirap. hindi naman ako nagkulang sa pag-aaral. haay. bawi nalang tlga. only consolation nalang ay hindi lang ako nagkakaganito.hindi ako nag-iisa. san kaya ako puwede magshift?

nahihirapan na ako sa aking nararamdaman. hindi ko kayang magalit sa kanya. pero siya ang dahilan kung bakit nagkaganyan ka. i have nothing against her. haay. hindi ako nagseselos, hindi ako nagiinggit. nais ko lamang ang iyong kaligtasan. habol ko lamang ang iyong kapakanan. siguro kung saan ka masaya, doon ako'y malungkot naman. wala narin namang akong magagawa. hindi mo na ako pinapakinggan. alam mong bihira lamang akong umiyak. at sa pagkakataong ito, ako'y napaluha mo. huwag ka lamang niyang sasaktan. at yung sinalihan mo...kung hindi ilalayo kita at hindi ka na nila makikita.

-sa tuwing nakikita kita, nakikita ko ang iyong dinadamdam. pilit mo kasing tinatago. pilit kinukulong. sa bawat pagkakataon na magmamahal ka, umaayaw ka. lumalayo ka. mahirap yan. huwag mong paglaruan ang iyong puso. kung kaya ng iyong isip na kontrolin ang iyong nararamdaman, bakit ngayon ay bumabalik siya sa iyong gunita?

hindi naman sa malungkot ang buhay ko ngayon kaya puro sad ang aking sinusulat. sa kabila nitong lahat, may nagddulot parin sa akin ng saya. ang Dota (hahaha) at siya.

The ONe with the Ear wiggling

I learned that my brother can wiggle his ears, and my mom was so psyched (and probably freaked out about it) haha. I told her I can do that too and she said "Freaks!" hehehe. While my brother had this talent ever since he was born, I had to practice it. I literally forced myself to find that muscle that controls the wiggling of the ears. hehe. I know another person who share the same "freakiness". It made me remember him in that short moment in time.=(

I don't like Coke Light and I know alot of people do. Mostly those on a diet. Good thing my dad shares the same sentiments. Wala lang.

Busy Busy Busy. "May midsterms si lola sa Thursday..." Sing it with me. I'm actually nervous about the midterms in POS60 and also the orals for that matter. 4 minutes per question!! Waah! All or nothing pa! Goodluck satin guys.

Also ARPT training starts this week. Yay! Shooting is fun! That's all I can say. hehe. Lalo na kapag you imagine the target paper to be the head of....wheeps...hahaha. Ill intentions bad.

Shoutouts:
Coldblood- Alam mo nga ba talaga? Ako'y pangiti ngiti lang kasi wala lang..cute ako eh. hahaha. Punta ka na. =p

Spearman- Wala lang. Barbero ung book. hahaha.

zteb- Ikuwento mo, I'm a slow ked.

Philip- May nabili ka naman ba sa sale?

2 straight sleepless nights have passed and needless to say, i've turned into a Zombie. (waaa) the 1st night was due to the report for asian history (we pulled it off in less than 24 hrs. =D), next was a lot less academic reason. I read the Da Vinci Code from 12Am to 5Am. Nakalimut na ako sa oras and also the people from the room adjacent to us turned the radio on the whole night. the playlist wasn't really "sleep music" the radio station played Macarena at 4am! waaah! much worse, the people from the other room actually listened to it. haay. Anyway, lousy entry....I know. what i really want to do is to give shoutouts to the people. hehehe. (ala Gino)

To the one I'll never have-thanks for dropping by kostka the other day. "buenas" to the lousy day that it was.

To the one I'll never have again- If I had one question to ask God, I'll ask him why we have to go through all this hullabaloo.

To the one I have now- The days seem brighter. The smiles seem more real. The dreams come true. Life's better now.

Coldblood- Kaya mo yan...pero sana alam mo ang ginagawa mo.

I need a wheelchair.

Anyone please, cut off my legs now! No words can describe how much pain I'm feeling right now. Well maybe there are, I just can't think of them right now because 3/4's of my brain is concentrated on feeling my muscle sores. Waaahh. I went to the auditions at around 9, thank goodness it started early. Alot of freshies in the group, even some from the S1 block. (Carlos and Rodney). Anyway, I wasn't really bent on actually making it but I thought I'd give it a shot (for the sake of Kei and the fact that I actually spend my Saturday at the dorm). Anyway, we were taught a series of steps. (and the steps were not easy mind you...I think the actual routine lasted only for about 3 mins or so. sorry I actually know the exact duration, I just can't remember it right now. Later na when my brain is back to normal.) so anyway, we started with some stretching exercises after which I felt tired already. Tapos tinuro na ung routine. Like whoa...ang hirap. or I had poor memorizing skills kaya hindi ko nagets agad. Pero okay naman ako when I'm alone. Siguro napaghinaan lang ako ng loob or something. My audition time was 2:10 and after having lunch Kei and I headed back to the studio. Unfortunately, (but not unlikely) alot of people backed out kasi nga siguro the steps were uber hard. I would've backed out too kaya lang naisip ko ulit si Kei and the "I'm-not-a-quitter" principle. Tapos ayun, sabi nila we're on na daw kasi kami na ung last when it was only 1:45! waaah! and since we were the only ones left, solo nalang daw. double waaah! I'm not going to continue this story...the bottom line is I feel so sore I can hardly feel my legs. Magdonate naman kayo ng wheelchair for me oh! I still have my arnis prelims on Tues. Talk about double whammy! Haay. I haven't finished the POS60 readings yet...nor do I think I ever will in this lifetime. Hay Aristotle show yourself and share your wisdom. LOLZ Hay...atleast I joined ARPT. I like it there. I hope I'll make the team.

first day flunk

Yeah, first day flunk. Wyson, Mark, William and Gino was caught by the guard leaving their bags at our bench in Kostka. They were only gone for awhile, because they had to photocopy some reading for POS100. Unfortunately, the Ateneo have now this rule about leaving bags around. It is only right though, to prevent thefts and losses inside the campus. Pero yun, 1st day flunk parin. My day started early with my 7:30 class in Bellarmine. POS100 was a big class, with 90 students! goodluck nlang sakin kung makilala pa me ng prof ko. The prof looked cool and the class seemed interesting. Magkakaalaman na kung para ba talaga ako sa course kong ito. My next class was PE. The "sub" came in late checked attendance then gave us a free cut. There goes 15 minutes of waiting and 5 minutes of lining up. Excited pa nman ako for arnis. (Although Gino seemed skeptical about me battling it out. hehe. baka daw masaktan ako at hindi ko kayanin. Ok lang toh, I can do it! Whapak!)Puro freshies ang kasama ko sa Pe. Oh men. hehe. Then Kei and I ate lunch at Shakeys, actually kakakain ko lang ng waffles before Pe tapos kain uli. (bloated!) My last class for today was POS60 (History of POlitical Theory) the professor was kinda old, but I think she's ok. (PhD ba naman!) She asked us to buy a book sa ORP on POlitical Theories. We were 120 sa class, and they only reserved 80 copies daw sa ORP! Waaah! so talagang pumila na ako para hindi ako maubusan. Hindi pa bukas ung ORP nun so we waited for like an hour para magbukas. We were like waiting for a celebrity, everytime someone would open a window we would clap and cheer tapos boo nman pag clinose uli. hehehe. After that I went back to the dorm and slept. Bukas 830 naman ako! Waaahh laging morning classes...banong sched. O well sana tomorrow ok din ang day ko. Sobrang crowded na ng ateneo! Parang enrollment! waaahh. dami freshies. Aapaw na ata ung caf kanina! hehe. Isip ko nga sana 3 floors nalng ang caf namin. lolz. Tapos kanina, some people were sitting in our bench sa kostka, pinaalis (politely) naman nila Wyson. Yeah sophomore authority! Woot Woot! Freshies pa ata ung mga un.Anyway ayun lang. Kelangan magsipag. I still need to read a 27-page reading assignment for POS100. Haha. What fun.

18 going on...

Ish my birthday, we're gonna party like ish my birthday! yeah! I'm now officially 18, how bout that eh? I don't look like it though, I look 16 or maybe 17. But 18? I don't think so. In a weird way, I feel grown up already. (ahaha) I figured I'm going to change some stuff about my life.

1. Be more lady-like.

Eeew. I know. But I think it's time for a little change on my preference on clothes and grooming myself. All this time I've been for comfortable even if it means Giordano Kids, but now I'll try to dress my age. I got like 3 jewelry boxes last Saturday, with nothing to fill them with. Never been one for accessories nman ako, but now I feel I should but more girly stuff. haha.

2. Change my hair.

Excited about this thing, just have to figure out what style I'll have my hair cut.

3. Walk the talk.

Siga daw ako maglakad. waaaahh. nuf said,

As for deeper changes...

Next time na iyon. haha.

My debut was successful, well atleast for me. The fact that it rained and still more than 20 people came was good enough for me. I feel bad for those who couldnt make it though, it would've been more fun if they were there but I don't harbor bad feelings towards them naman. I just wish they know what they missed. hahahaha. It was only after the party when I remembered those who were supposed to be there but wasn't. I felt a little bummed but I am thankful for those who were there.

Patrick was there.The weird thing was it was if nothing happened, he was even asking if we (Anne, I, Lizer and him) could go to GB3 to continue the night. Wahaha. Who would've thought that we didnt talk for four years before Saturday night? Time does heal all wounds I guess.

Today was uneventful. Aside from my cousins going back to Baguio and grocery shopping, my day consisted of lounging around. Oh well, happy birthday to me. hehe.

If I love you, what business is that of yours?

ytrne glob

ayan maglalagay nnamn ako ng entry. sobrang hectic ang mga araw ko ngayon. kabagi ang nakaranas nanaman ako ng sarili kong version ng "migraine". ang sakit tlga ng ulo ko. nagugutom pa ako.

kinakatakutan ko na ang june 4. baka hindi matupad ang mga nais matupad. baka hindi dumating ang mga nais dumating. baka hindi pa ako umabot sa araw na iyon.

hindi naman tlga june 4 ang kaarawan ko. baka sa tunay kong bertday ay walang makaalala. naku poh.

wala pa akong gagawin sa debut ko. sino ba makakapagturo sakin kung pano kumain ng apoy? bigyan nyo ako ng instant talent.

naaawa na ako sa nanay ko. inaasikaso niya itong debut ko tapos may trabaho pa sha. sana matapos na ito. ang tanging consuelo ko nalang ay ang mga kaibigan ko na darating dun.

nais ko nang maiyak kagabi. lahat ng ginagawa ko ay palpak. may mali lagi. sobrang nasstress na ako. nagkakaroon na ako ng mga bangungot tungkol sa magiging kalabasan ng debut ko. hindi ko inisip na ganito kahirap. to the point na magbbreak down pa ako.

ayoko na makarinig ng problema. pls. huwag muna.

shoutouts:

ninong- sorry kagabi. nainis nga ako. wala kasi ako sa mood magjoke. hindi ko kayang sakyan ung sinabi mo kagabi. pasensya na. masakit na ulo ko kasi. nagonline nga lang ako para makausap ka.

coldblood- salamat. sana nga'y makapunta ka. pero wag mag-alala, maiintindihan ko kung hindi mo kaya.

dahil wala akong maisip na title

there are times when i feel really stupid. just like right now. have you ever experienced purposely blinding yourself so you won't see the painful truth? ever been into a situation when you force yourself to think this way but in the back of your mind and in your (ehem) heart you know you feel the other way? ever since, i've always believed in the saying "if i think i can, i can" but right now i don't think that's such a good idea.

only the biggest losers get under my skin. wahaha. now what does that make of you?

im beginning to think that deep inside im a mean person. wahaha. ive judged you unfairly. but only because you did the same thing. okay now was that revenge? (head hurts)

anyway, here's one poem of a future palanca awardee...

binura ko na ang lahat
binura ko na

ang lahat ng mga mensahe

mo

hindi ko na alam kung bakit

basta binura

ko

madaling-araw na

noong ginawa ko ang pagbuburang iyon

basta nabura ko na

tapos...

kung iisipin ilang

buwan ko ring

itinago ang

lahat ng

mensahe

mo

inilagay sa isang

folder ng inbox

ng telepono

ko

karamihan walang saysay

lahat pangkaraniwan

ngunit pinilit pa

ring itinago

kasi galing sa iyo...

ngunit ngayon nga

binura ko na

lahat ng

mensahe

mo'

pagka't kulang na sa memory ang

cellphone ko

kailangang burahin

ang kailangang alisin

dahil kung hindi

hindi papasok

ang mensaheng iba

na galing sa

iba

sayang lang ang

memory

kung walang

paggagamitan...

mabuti pa ang telepono

nahahawakan ko

mabuti pa ang mensahe

nababasa ko

sana

nahahawakan ko rin ang mga kamay mo

nababasa ko rin ang nasa isip mo

pero huli na

umasa lang ako sa pinagkabit-kabit

na salita

binura ko na ang lahat ng mga mensahe mo...

a cup of cold water mixed with a drop of cold blood

kanta

astig tong kantang toh...

kung liligaya ka sa piling ng iba
at kung ang langit mo ay ang pag-ibig nya
tututol ba ako kung kagustuhan mo?
sapat na ang minsa'y minahal mo ako...


hindi ko alam ung kasunod na lyrics. hirap hanapin sa web. o well.

one more before bed.

I'm running out of things to write about. (BS right? might as well be dead. well, if you must check out my other blog: www.tabulas.com/~jamieimaj) magcomment kayo ah.

how long does it take someone to get over a relationship? is it really true that guys are faster at it than girls?

Failed relationships. It really tells us how human we really are. To err is to human right? How many lofty promises do we have to break to actually get to the real one? And who is the ONE anyway? Why do we have to go through several others thinking they were the ONE but weren't really? How can you expect someone to feel that same way forever?

Itulog mo nalang yan jam.

Unopened Milk Carton.

we were there. almost. we believed. i really did.
i remember...so many things
about you.
your eyes spoke of the truth. your smile loved me. and i loved it too.
you hand. it held on. as i did.
until we fell...like rain.
your voice
it rings...constantly.
i feel it...breaking my heart.
what ever happened to us?
to the forevers...and the semper fis...
now we're just a moment in time.
a period.
an end to a long statement.

Essay for NSTP

Human Dignity etc.

Human dignity denotes to a particular dignity which human beings uniquely possess. What does that exactly mean? Since, dignity is the quality of being worthy, human dignity means humans are worthy of something. We are worthy to receive our needs and practice our rights. Human dignity is not exclusive to a certain group of people, everybody possesses it regardless of religion, culture, race or financial status. Ideally, this is what human dignity is supposed to be. An innate aspect in all humans beings that they should experience and enjoy. However, in our worldly society today, certain violations to our human dignity are rampant. People discriminate other people just because they’re different and this sometimes comes in conflict with the concept of human dignity.

During the first day of NSTP, the coordinator toured us around the school and gave a short background about it. We saw the dark, dingy and small classroom which housed 80-100 students. I was appalled at the scenario. In this small room, there is no way the students could effectively learn and retain the lessons. Being grade one pupils, they tend to be rowdy and extremely noisy, and having to sit inside that classroom while listening to the teacher while some other 89 pupils are simultaneously shouting is very difficult. Every children has a right to have a future, and with this pathetic learning environment they have a very small chance of actually succeeding in the future. Public elementary schools should offer if not excellent but at least sufficient, quality education for the Filipino people. Is it not sad to think that the government cannot even expend money for something that will have a great impact in our country’s future? Why is there such a big line between private and public school education? Why do kids age 6 to 10 endure this kinds of social injustice when in fact they have as much right as any body else to have quality education?

Tutoring the kids was difficult for me because of two distinct reasons. One is the fact that I am not a teacher and therefore lack the training and capability to formally educate these kids. Second of all, it was hard to reiterate over and over again the concepts that supposedly they have already mastered. However, this did not stop me from doing my best to teach them. I understand that as a Catholic, it is my moral duty to extend my hand to them in filling in what they lack. Aside from the alphabet and syllable recognition, I would like to think that I have imparted a sense of importance in them. I made them feel that they are not alone and the world does not go against them. People help one another and by setting this example I hope that someday they may do this as well for another person.

In respect to my own dignity, the Ateneo caters to it constantly. By allowing us students to be who they are and by giving us what they need, the Ateneo fosters dignity among each student. The Ateneo sees the student’s worth and upholds it by giving it best in terms of education. I guess the concept of Magis also fosters dignity because it says that we as human beings are capable of doing more and is expected to strive for more.

Tribute to the Pope

It deeply saddens me that our Pope is severely ailing. I read the reports and I just have to put it bluntly that the Pope's body is suffering badly. At a ripe age of 84, he is sadly experiencing heart, hip and other physical ailments one after the other. He is a picture of hope and benevolence not only for me but for the whole Catholic Church as well.

I have never seen the Pope. But now I wish I had when he visited our country. Even so, I have acquired a certain love and respect for our dear Pontiff. He is, for me, a symbol of our God's love. He exudes a holy aura, something we all wish we can achieve. I remember Merrill in his essay about his visit to the Vatican...

"I saw the Pope from the square, he was talking to the people and even though I never understood what he said, his presence made me feel at home."

or something to that effect. How I wish, I could see him too and feel that same aura.
I'll continue to pray for our dear Pope and remember him in all my days.

new template yey!

aahhh finally ive changed my template. hehe.

pareho kasi kmi ng template ni ehem...but whatever

A Fish Tale

the water's a bit murky. I can't see a thing. I'm afraid to go to the other side, they said a big yellow monster is going to eat me if I went there. I can only hear the ominous bubbling of that contraption. I hate that sound. I hate the fact that it's accompanied by this eerie silence. I see less and less fish of my kind everyday. I no longer talk to them for I may not see them tomorrow. Just like my friend Bob. He was nice and helped me alot. Then one day, he was gone just like that. The fear within me is growing every minute. I haven't seen the monster but I think I will sooner or later.

this is what you get from staring at the aquarium for too long.

pacute uli...i love these smilies...

random cuteness

wee!

patrick starrpatrick starpatrick starpatrick starr

yeah! i still remember how...

never-ending palabok (the lost entry)

nakatingin nanaman ako sa palabok fiesta na inorder ko. walang imik ka nanaman. nakatingin sa labas...nag-iisip tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam. kanina ko pa hinahalo itong pagkain ko...mukhang napaglaruan na ng bata. nakahiwalay ang itlog at hipon at natira nalang ang noodles at sarsa. kung bakit mo ako hindi kinakausap ay hindi ko alam. 5 minuto na...kanina ko pa tinitignan ang oras sa celphone ko. ang bagal. nakakainip. gusto kong magsalita pero ayaw lumabas ng mga salita. para bang nawalan ako ng boses. parang tinatamad ang bunganga ko na bumuka. dapat ikaw ang mauna. dapat ikaw ang maunang magsabi ng "uy...anu nangyari sayo.." lagi ka namang tahimik eh. lagi kang walang pakialam. ayoko na maging madaldal. nais ko nalang din maging tulad mo. walang kuwento. walang imik. lumipas nanaman ang isang minuto kakahalo at kakatingin sa palabok ko. hindi ko nauubos...dahil sa totoo lang ay ayoko na. gusto ko kausapin ka. gusto kong malaman ang nasa isip mo, ang nasa saloobin mo. naririnig ko lamang ang aking boses na sumisigaw sa loob..."Kausapin mo ako!...kausapin mo ako..." hindi ko masabing kulang na ang mga panahon. bilang na ang mga ganitong pagkakataon. isa nanamang minuto ang nasayang...kapag nangyari ang mangyayari...nanaisin mong sana kinausap mo nalang ako. 3 beses nanamang tayong umikot sa mall nang walang ginagawa. ni hindi man lamang nag-uusap. basta't naglalakad lang. not minding the presence of each other. sa totoo lang ayoko na ng ganun. nakakatamad. nakakapagod. nakakarindi ang katahimikan lalo pa't matagal na tayong hindi nag-uusap. may iilang pagsabi nang "uy.." pero walang ung masasabing may substance. minsa'y pinipilit ko nalang ang sarili ko na magkuwento ...na patawanin ka...pasalitain ka. nakakapagod dahil kailangan ko pang gawin iyon...tulad ng pag-ubos dito sa kakapirangot na palabok na naiwan sa plato ko.

I like this version better...

Here's Your Ticket!

During children’s preschool years, it has been a habit of adults to ask the kids what they would want to be when they grow up. Some would say they want to be doctors, other pilots or nurses. I, on the other, would beam and say “I want to be a bus conductor!”. Yes, the one who asks you where you want to go and gives you your ticket and your change. I have always been amazed at their “ticket bundle” which I would learn later in my life as tickets wound together by a rubber band to better facilitate their ticket giving. Oh, how I loved that “ticket bundle”, how I loved the way the bus conductor would flip it so fast, tear out pieces of tickets at random and gives you all sorts of numbered tickets in different colors too. In my obssession, I would collect the used tickets whenever we ride a bus. There were a lot of leftover tickes, some folded and inserted in various locations on the bus like the headrest or the windowpane. My mom would always keep her tickets so that she can give it to me whenever she comes home. Then I would arrange those tickets and pass them to people around the house. Another great thing about the bus conductor is the piece of rubber tied aroung their thumb. Without it, they would have to sometimes lick their thumb first before tearing off the tickets. I thought that the thumb rubber was an excellent idea, so that they wouldn’t have to lick their thumbs and still give out tickets at lightning speed. The thumb rubber came in different colors too, others wore a blue one while others have the green one. The next great thing about the bus conductors is their ability to compute quickly, I have always thought how good they were in math since they can add and subtract mentally. I on the other hand, still had to use pens and papers to do my preschool computations. This became the reason why I persevered in math during those years, I said to myself that I cant’ be a bus conductor if I have poor math skills. Weird enough, I thought that there was such a course as “bus conductoring” as opposed to the usuals like “nursing” or “medicine”. It had to be a Math course which involved fast mental solving and arithmetic prowess. My ultimate practice time for this dream of mine was during those times when all my uncles and aunts would sit in the big sofa in my lolo’s living room. I would go around and ask them “Good morning Sir/Mam, where do you want to go?”. Of course they would play along and pretend to hand me money in exchange for the tickets I kept with me. There were even times when they would hand me actual money and I would fold the bill and place it in between my fingers to furthur boost the experience. This was my dream, unfortunately when my preschool yearbook came out they changed my ambition from “conductor” to “doctor”.

It’s fun to talk about the things you did when you were a kid. I guess that’s the reason why I like to tell this story to new friends or relatives. Aside from that, it reveals something about me which I like to share with other people. I believe that I have a reason for wanting to be something apart from the cliché dream jobs like doctors and nurses. Ever since, I have been different and reluctant to follow the current trend of the people. It also shows that I am still a kid at heart, for this story of me being a kid, still shows who I am now. I am amazed by the ordinary things like ticket bundles and thumb rubbers. I like to observe these kinds of things even though they present a meager importance in our lives. Over time, I have altered the story one way or another but I try as much as possible to keep the story intact. I am not really sure if I thought there was such a course as “bus conductoring” or if the yearbook people did actually change my ambition (however, I never dreamt of being a doctor). Also, I have learned through telling my story that kids’ dreams are usually simple and innocent. However, as they grow, they would realize that our childhood dreams wouldn’t really cut it in the grownup world.

Paralyzed (Memoir for english)

"If Mang Juan has 3 chickens, 2 cows and 4 pigs, how many animals does he have in his farm?” Ms. Judith echoed through the microphone. After the question, she stated the multiple-choice answers. I added the numbers mentally and wrote down letter A which corresponded to 9 in my answer sheet. That medium category question was followed by another and then another; and I answered all of them correctly. After the contest I searched the crowd for my Nana (a term I use to refer to my grandmother for I think lola is too corny) and was surprised that she wasn’t there. My yaya was the one who took me home, and I rushed inside to tell Nana the good news. I called out for her name, searched all around the house and asked where she was. She wasn’t home yet and she didn’t come home that night. I waited another day to find out where she was. She was rushed to the hospital after falling from our dining chair. I asked why and what happened to her. My aunt told me she had a stroke, a sickness I was still unfamiliar with. Another day passed and Nana still hasn’t come home. As I walked with my aunt coming from the store, I asked her if I can visit Nana and see how she’s doing. She said I can’t because Nana stayed in the ICU where kids are not allowed. I found it funny, if she’s in the I can see her then why wasn’t I allowed? I didn’t get it at all. I was angry because I felt they just made up the rule so that I couldn’t see Nana. I waited for them to take pity on me and allow me to come to the hospital, but that didn’t happen. Nana didn’t come home for a long time. She did come home one day, but she wasn’t the same. My Nana who used to fetch me in school, make me breakfast, review me in all my lessons was now bedridden and paralyzed. She was in a wheelchair, her head was tilted and her eyes knew no one. She stared at me for so long, as if she remembers yet she seemed so far away. Her eyes knew no recognition, it expressed no misery as if she doesn’t know she’s home already. She spoke in a garbled voice saying words I couldn’t make out. She was like a baby except it made me scared. I felt fear and extreme misery at the same time. Where was my Nana? Where was my energetic, happy-go-lucky and loving Nana? What happened to her? I longed for her to come back, to be her old self again. But the days were followed by her tantrums and fits. I saw her frustration when she couldn’t tell us what she really means and if she doesn’t get what she wants. She mixed up everybody’s names except mine. She recalled me instantly after her brief moment of amnesia. I stayed with her throughout her therapies. She had numerous therapies for things like speech and muscle movement. I could always see her determination during those sessions and I knew that deep down inside her mind lies my Nana, the Nana I knew well and loved. She’ll be back and she’ll get well.

I was only 6 years old when this happened and yet I felt like twelve. My classmates knew nothing of what I was going through. My teachers would always ask me how my Nana is, and I could see in their faces the pity they had for her. They must’ve thought it was too much for me, it was but I got used to it as time went by. I went on with my studies without my Nana, I still won the academic contests but it wasn’t the same. No matter how much awards I amassed, it will not make her feel better. I did show them to her, thinking somehow it will help her get well. I wanted to make her feel that I was still there, her little Jamie eager to solve math problems, spell out words just to make her proud of me.
This experience helped me to be more mature in a way. Young kids have this idea that when you cry, you will usually get what you want. I didn’t. Even though I wanted to throw tantrums and cry so that Nana will get better, it wouldn’t help. Every time Nana would throw a fit, or shout really loud I would get scared. Scared that it will worsen her condition. I learned to understand her during her times of desperation albeit I was still 7 or 8 years old. There were times when I would play in the streets with my neighbors and Nana would get tantrums again that all the neighbors will hear, I would go back to the house and attend to her. I felt unconditional love so strongly at a very young age. I knew the value of my elders, the concept of repaying their love for me with my love for them.
Because I was the eldest granddaughter, I was the one who explained to my cousins as to why Nana acted like that. It was hard for I didn’t also know why. Whenever Nana would yell at us, it made my cousins cry but I, inspite of my tears, would still smile and give her high-blood medicine. Then I would turn to my cousins and tell them not to get angry at Nana instead try to understand her condition. They would say it’s unfair but I would always respond saying…

“Ganyan talaga, may sakit si Nana eh. Hindi niya alam kung ano ginagawa niya. Huwag kayong magagalit sa kanya.”

I honestly despise people who take their grandmothers or grandfathers for granted. I hate it when people just place their elders in shelters and not mind them at all. If they only knew how hurt I was when Nana got sick and how much I want her to get better so that we can play again. I was never ashamed whenever I would accompany Nana for a walk around the streets. I didn’t mind if she was slow or if people would look at us.
I knew I had to be strong for myself, Nana and others. I must do everything in my power to handle the situation responsibly. It also taught me to rely everything to God. He has never faltered and was always there for my Nana and me. I am thankful that Nana is still around, although she never recovered one hundred percent, she is now able to walk and speak. She has taught me so much, not just for my math contest but also for living my life as well. I never regretted being there for her in her times of trouble and when she most needed me.

Sometimes I would think I am still that Grade one student coming home to show her 1st place medal to her grandmother. I would imagine Nana carrying me up her arms and saying I’m so good. Sometimes I wish she didn’t get sick that day. But it all comes down to how much I love her. She has taught me so much even without speaking.

The Game of Love

Love is all about taking the risks.

Its all about taking chances, taking a chance at someone whom you're not really sure of. It's like jumping out a plane without a parachute and that's when you fall...hard.

It's believing in fate and leaving it all up to luck. It's walking and closing your eyes, praying that somehow your feet will know the way in this blind attempt at love.

It's giving everything up just so you can get what you think will make you happy in the end. And that is where the risk part comes in. Falling in love is hard, staying in it is harder.

Love is all about taking risks, making a pass at chances, grabbing every opportunity that comes your way...or is it?

I don't want to believe that love is a really a game. And as for risks, they can be calculated and managed well. The thing is finding out the right risks to take. Yes sometimes, the world isnt cut out the way we want it to be. And yes, sometimes we fall short of luck and we just have to give up something in order to get what we want. But not when you're already inlove and you would choose to go out of it.

The risk involved in loving is the one you would take to stay in love. Love truly begins when even though there are other people out there more perfect for you, you would chose to stay with the one you love now just because. Love isn't like buying a pair of shoes and eventually throwing it away because a new model came out. It's being satisfied with what you have, wearing your shoes because you have had many walks together and many ass-kicking too.


Love is not trading someone for someone better or new. Love is like a one-time big-time thing, carefully planned out in a spontaneous way. Love is not choosing person first and then making yourself fall for him. It's realizing that you're already inlove even before you know you're falling.


Love is not absolute. There are no bounds. There are (supposedly) no starting line and finish. You just continueloving on and on.

Everytime

I’m afraid I’m starting to feel
What I said I would not do
The last time really hurt me
I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to fall so fast
'cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
'cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time
One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get oh so confused

I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to fall so fast
’cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
’cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time
One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get oh so confused

I’m scared to fall in love
Afraid to fall so fast
'cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
'cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time
One half wants me to go
One half wants me to stay
I just get oh so confused

Every time your love is near
And every time I’m filled with fear
'cause every time I see your face
Could it be that this will be the one that lasts
The fear does start to erase every time
Oh could it be that this will be the one that lasts
For all my times
For all my times


This song has always been one of my favorites.
And now, it best illustrates how I feel.